The me I used to know

I was lying in bed last night listening to my own heart beat through my ear against the pillow.

When I was a little girl, I used to lie in bed wondering how could such thing be possible.

Logically thinking, my heart is down there and my ear is up here.

How can I hear my own heart beat through my ear against the pillow?

Wonders and questions that go through your mind when you are a child are no longer a mystery to you today.

I miss the days that I thought I could fly and I miss all the questions in life that just faded away unsolved.

My Father likes to tell me about the questions I would ask on our way to kindergarden.

"Daddy, how many flowers are there in the world?"

"Daddy, do the trees really sing and dance like that?"

"What happens when you die..."

Why don't I think about the dancing trees and matters in life that I have no answer to?

When did I stop caring. When did I give up. Suddenly, I had so many questions and regrets.

Rest in peace...

I will admit. I have been sad. I have been having sad dreams every night.
I have been thinking about a friend of mine a lot lately. I had been trying to find her on facebook for a while.
The last time I saw her was at her wedding.
She was my first friend that I made in America. We bonded instantly.
Her boyfriend was a quarter Japanese and I am half Japanese, so we found a tiny connection that brought us together.
I had just moved to McCall from Tokyo at the time and I was homesick and I felt like I had no friends.
She was kind to me. Since she just moved there too, she didn't have a lot of friends either.
We spent a lot of time together.
Her and her boyfriend broke up a few times while her and I were living in McCall.
He made me mad. I hated him. He made her cry.
I hated him because she loved him so dearly, but he would just do whatever he wanted to do.
But bottom story he loved her too.
When everything worked out great and happy I was really happy for them. I was really happy when I heard they got engaged.
She was LDS and he was not but, their love finally connected the two and they were ready to be together for the rest of their lives.
They had the love that I wanted. Strong and powerful. I had been there for their ups and downs, but their bond was stronger than anything I have ever witnessed.
I went to their wedding in Payette and it was the strangest wedding I had ever been to because half of it was a bunch of redneck Japanese descendants and half of it was from the LDS church. The two different cultures mingled and created a harmony.
My dearest friend Kinsee looked beautiful and my friend and beloved husband of Kinsee, Joel, also looked greater than ever.
They finally figured out where they wanted to be and everything fitted into place.
I hadn't heard from Kinsee in a long time, I was searching for her for a while until I realised that I had been spelling her last name wrong when she friend requested me on facebook. I was excited to hear from her again.

She sent me a message about Joel getting killed in an avalanche this past winter.
My heart has been broken since...
I am sad that a friend has passed away, but I am sad that my dearest friend Kindsee is devastated.
I was there for the whole relationship's up and down and I was a witness of a great love growing.
I got to witness a quality of love getting cultivated. I can't stand to think how she might be feeling right now.
The man made her cry all the time, I saw nothing but struggles the whole time they were together.

As soon as they were happy together I stopped hearing from them. No news is good news afterall.

I am sad. I am devastated. I wish I could see Joel and I am sad to even try to imagine what Kinsee is going through right now.
They were high school sweethearts. They have been together for eight years. He was only 24 when he passed away.
I am headed to Payette next weekend to go see her and him in his spirit. I still can't believe that happened already.

God bless them I am hope the best for my truly an dearest friend Kinsee Barrie.

Things that make me happy

When the wind blows in your face and it is warmer than yesterday.

When I see the ocean and I feel nostalgic.

When I see the moon and I am next to a good friend.

When I notice that I have been humming and singing.

When you hold my hand.

When you touch me and make my heart feel ticklish.

When I am on my long board in a skirt.

When I am sitting on the grass and I hear laughter in distance.

When I am drinking coffee and it is raining outside.

When I am flying in my dream.

When my phone buzzes and you had texted me.

When I see new things.

When I curl up in a ball like a little girl.

When you touch my hair.

Little things in life that make me happy.

Just a thought

There is a Socrates quote I have been thinking about lately.

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

I remember hearing this quote in my philosophy class back in the day thinking that this quote didn't make much sense.

It makes sense now. I know nothing. I know nothing about life, The more I grow the more I don't know.

I am terrified. I thought I was going to be wiser. I can't even act like I know anything. I know nothing.

My vision keeps getting wider and I can't see the end of the tunnel.

I want to see the future. I want to know who am going to be.

I want to live 10 lives and do things that I wouldn't do in others.

I am changing my facebook status

I have been dealing with my current/past relationship for the past few months. My so-called boyfriend that lives 6000 miles away decided to fall off of the face of the earth. Or maybe just from in front of me.
How do you deal with that. I really didn't know what to do, so I just ignored it.
Time passed and feelings went away. I am a believer in love, but at the same time I am really realistic when it comes to break ups. Without physicaly seeing eachother and no verbal communication, it is impossible to try and keep feelings residing for someone. Words are more powerful than you think they are.
That is why we avoid, and walk away from communicating when you are scared.
That is why we are scared to tell someone that you love them, or don't love them.
When your boyfriend/girlfriend lives half away around the world and isn't talking to you what would you do?
I decided to change my facebook status from "♥ in a relationship with__________" to "♥ single".
I have been wanting to do this for two months now and I tried my best not to be the rude person breaking up with someone over facebook, but it is time to do it.
I can no longer live a life like this with a big relationship status hanging over my head. A little exaturating but...
It is funny to see how we started to shape our relationships through social media.
I just overheard a conversation the other day: "He is such a jerk, he doesn't even show on his facebook status that he is in a relationship so he can still get girls!!!" Wow, what a statement. Again, I am sitting here blogging about how I don't want to do this and make it public.


I am going to be a public facebook pickel eating jerk.

Okay, maybe I wait one more day...


P.S. I really don't care to let all my facebook friends know about my relationship status anymore in the future.

Sleepless in Boise

I am a night owl.
I sleep a lot.
I stay up way late and I wake up way late.
I love to sleep but I hate to fall asleep.
I love the sun but I rather see it come up before I go to bed than seeing it come up when I wake up. I feel like my day starts when the sun goes down.
The accomplishment of staying up to see the sun come up is something that I like.
You can't stare at the sun but you can stare at the moon.

I dream so vividly.
I go on adventures every night.
I wish I was dreaming all the time.

I don't like the day time.
I rather be asleep counting sheep.

Blogging Again

I have blogs everywhere.
Most of them are half done. Just a few stories and no updates.
I think I am going to try and keep this one.
I have been writing a diary since I was 9 years old.
It must have been something I have picked up after my Father.
I haven't been able to find my old diaries in a long time.
It is as if my old memories and feelings have gotten left behind and tucked away.
I should remember how I felt, but without the words I used when I wrote my feelings down, I can't remember.
You can't feel the pain if it is healed already.
I can't remember anything.

Time has passed by before my eyes and I have just been enjoying the ride.
I feel like my body is getting older and my mind hasn't changed at all.
I used to think that I was mature, now I feel like I am immature.
They say in the Japanese culture that the soul you have when you are three will not change at the age of one-hundred.
I would like to believe that we have room to change, but we have no choice but to live with the same soul.

I am a lover and I believe in love truly.
I am not scared to get hurt for the sake of love.
The potential pain that I might encounter is not a good enough reason to avoid it.
I always have time to nourish the love for you.
I have time for school and work.
I will squeeze in my love for you between my schedule.
I will even place school and work in between the love I have for you.
Busy is not an excuse for you to not love.
It is an excuse you have when you don't love.
I will always be true to you, so please be true to me.