Moving On

With a low commentment life style, you end up with many unresoveled feelings you leave behind.
How does everybody else do it? How do people manage to focus on one thing and not get distracted?
I am not speaking of human relationships.
I am speaking of events and possibilities (dreams!) you can fulfill!
How are we all going to be in the future?
How are you supposed to determine what is good for you?
I don't think the fairy tails are a good measurement of what happiness is to me.
I don't even know if I know what happiness is to me either.
I wish I was more commited to my surroundings and I knew constantly looking for something better is not going to make my life any better.
I am not sure what is going to make me happy.
I guess I just have to keep going and going till I have my last breath to say that I had a great life.

Last Day Behind the BAR

母が亡くなりました

母が亡くなって一ヶ月が過ぎました。

やっと言葉にする気になりました。

ただ悲しくて、悲しくて涙も出せませんでした。

「母親の死」というには如何に認めにくい事かを実感しました。

アメリカにいたため、急な母の死に立ち会えなかった私には未だに実感が湧きません。

母とは父との離婚をきっかけに仲違いをするようになりました。

「死にたい、自殺する。」と毎日のように唸り、私に八つ当たりをしてくる母に対して嫌悪感を抱くようになりました。

ただ、心が弱っている母を守りたい、助けたい気持ちでいっぱいだった私は多感な時期だったにも関わらず、何年もそういった状況を我慢していました。

父に、母を置いて一緒に住まないかと聞かれた時は楽な逃げ道だったと思ったのですが、やはり母を守りたい気持ちで一杯でした。

しかし、２０歳くらいになると我慢が聞かず、何故私だけこんな心の負担を背負わなければいけないんだろうと、守りたい気持ちが怒りに変わってしまいました。

誰でも母の暖かい背中を見たいと思うはずです。多感な時期なら尚更です。

私はアメリカに逃げました。現実逃避と言っても過言ではありません。

何年かすると、私の心も晴れ、母と仲直りをする事になりました。

たまに電話が来ると話したりしましたが、大学で忙しくてあまり話せませんでした。

自分の事でいっぱいでした。

卒業を間際に母は亡くなりました。

アメリカに永住すると思い込んでいた母、日本での就職先が決まったとの報告をする事もできずに亡くなってしまいました。

絶望感に打ち拉がれました。

７年間のアメリカ生活を経て、日本への帰国を誰よりも喜んでくれたのであろう人は母だったのだから。

私が幼い頃から、うちの家族は裕福とは言えない生活をしていました。

就職をして母に少しでも贅沢をしてもらいたかったです。

買ってあげたいものがたくさんありました。

母の愛情を受け止め、そして返したかったです。

せめて今年の夏に札幌に帰った時にしてあげられた事は、海に連れて行く事ができたことです。

母と二人で出かけました。初めてお弁当を作ってあげました。

硝子館に行く事もできました。二人でソフトクリームを半分ずつ分け合いながら食べました。

アメリカに戻る時に「またね。お母さん愛してるよ。じゃ、いってきまーす。」と言葉を交わしたのが最後です。

母が言ってました。「あいちゃん、将来親孝行なんてしなくていいからね。あいちゃんの一生分の親孝行はあなたが３歳の時に終わってるから。あいちゃんの笑顔とってーもかわいかったのよ。昔は色々と迷惑をかけてごめんね。」

今はこの言葉が心に沁みて痛いです。

以下は母の告別式に、大叔父さんに読んでもらった手紙です。

「お母さんへ

愛してくれてありがとう。私の事をずっと守っていてくれてありがとう。こんな急に天国にお母さんが召されるなんて思ってもいませんでした。アメリカに引っ越してからはあまり札幌を訪れていなかったけど、ここ一年で二度も帰る事ができて、お母さんと一緒に過ごせてとても嬉しかった。本当に良かった。ここ何年かうまくいってなかったよね？お母さんの事許せないって何度も言ったよね？お母さんが苦しい想いをしていたのに思う存分に愛情を示せなくてごめんなさい。本当にごめん。でも去年くらいから仲直りができて良かったです。お正月も夏休みもお母さんと一緒に過ごせて嬉しかった。以前よりも幸せそうな顔をしていてくれて私も嬉しかった。夏に小樽一緒に行ったよね？二人でどこか行くなんて十年振りだったね。二人で森田神父様へのお土産選んだよね？気に入ってくれてるといいね。お母さんも楽しそうで心から私も嬉しかった。せめて最後に良い思い出作れて良かったね。お母さんが体調を悪くしてからずっとお母さんの事考えてた。休憩が３０分しかなかったのに、仕事の合間に買ってきてくれたオヤツとか、私の好きそうなものをお土産に買って来てくれたり。私が近所の子供にいじめられてた時も真っ先に守ってくれたり。何があっても私の事を優先してくれてたお母さんが私は大好きです。世界一愛してます。本当は大学卒業して、就職したらお母さんの事を旅行に連れて行ってあげたかった。おかあさんがずっと欲しがっていたバック買ってあげたかった。今年の夏帰った時バックを渡せなくて本当に後悔した。何度も買ってきてって言ってくれたのに。お母さんにまた会えると思ってた。いつか元気になってくれると信じてた。また一緒に海を見に行けると思ってた。でももう会えないんだよね。淋しい思いをさせてごめん。でもこれからは心で繋がって行こうね。これから卒業式だったり、結婚式だったり、そういった行事にはお母さんの為に特等席を用意してるからね。ただただ、お母さんには、世界一愛してくれている娘がいる事を忘れないで欲しいです。あなたの幸せと幸福を心から祈っています。天国では、元気な心と体で元気に過ごしててね。電話で話す度にお母さん言ってたよね？恥ずかしいから照れてあまりいってあげられなかったけど。「あいちゃん、いつもの愛してるは？」「はいはい、わかったよ。お母さん愛してるよ、アイラブユー。」お母さん。元気でね。

あなたの娘の愛子より」

何気なく母に電話を掛けてみた。

亡くなって今日で２５日もたっているのになぜか繋がった。

繋がったとは言ってもただ電話が鳴りっぱなしなだけである。

今は誰が電話代を払っているのだろうなんて考えている私は異常なのだろうか。

やはり母親の死に目に会えなかった私の現実味の無さから来るものなのか。

なんなのか。

悲しさと寂しさへの半比例の関係なのかは私にはわからない。

なんてこった

いきなりじゃないですか

「そりゃないよ」と想いながら「しょうがないな」と諦め、心でため息をついた

諦めるという事を私はいつの間にするようになったのかは定かではない

なんでだろう

「しょうがない」が口癖になったのはいつの頃だろうか

はたまた定かではない

肩をなで下ろし、心でため息をつくようになったのはいつの頃からなのだろうか

諦める事も大事なんて誰が言い出したのか

何を基準に言っているのだろうか

人生ヤマ有りタニ有りなんて

馬鹿げてる

人生という波に揉まれ何故私たちは生きているのだろうか

となりにオヤジと若い女が座っている。朝っぱらから何やっているんだろうと思いながらコーヒーを啜った。

オヤジは女に黒と白の水玉模様の袋にピンクのリボンを掛かったプレゼントを渡している。

女はありがとうなんて言いながら次のプレゼントをねだっている。

嫌悪感が湧いてくる。

それはオヤジに対したモノなのか、それともプレゼントをもらっている女への嫉妬心を抱えている私へのモノなのかは私にはわからない。

オヤジが去り、週刊誌を広げている女の将来が気になっている私はもうすでにそういった年頃ではなくなったんだな、と心淋しく思った。

日本に帰ってくるたびに私は浦島太郎状態である。

何年かに一度の帰国。

私は全く変わらないのに周りが変わっていく。

私は誰、ここはどこ状態である。

慣れし故郷を求め、日本を堪能しに帰って来ているわけではない。

やはり私の居場所はないんだな、という確認の為の訪問である。

未だに認める事のできない、自己確認であるに過ぎない。

Boise State Broncos win again!

I think it was one of the first games I watched from beginning to end. I was glued to the screen the whole time.

The first quarter resulted in two touchdowns and lots of cheering.

You could see the V-tech fans holding their own face with anxiety written all over it.

We had already had three beers each at that point out of pure joy and happiness.

Then the second quarter and the third quarter happened...

Next thing you know, V-tech was ahead of us and we had 5 more minutes left till the game was over.

Our living room had about 15 people in it and nobody said a word.

I kept praying under my breath.

"Touch down... Touch down... All we need is a touch down!"

My wish was granted and Boise State had a touch down one minute before the game was over.

We were now 3 points ahead...

All I was worried about was that we scored too soon that V-tech might have a chance to launch out another touch down.

They threw a long throw and missed the catch.

That was their only chance to recover from our previous touch down.

The game was over and we had won the opening game of the season to Virginia Tech.

What a great night. I hope we make it to the National Championship!

Post Dream Bike Purchase:

I AM IN LOVE!!!

My new black Beauty is a hand crafted Nishiki bike by Kuwamura and has the most amazing handle bar grip.

The pink clear grip hasn't been produced in the United States since the 70's and Jimmy from the Boise Bicycle Project used the last one he had on a special bike.

My bike left the BBP with lots of ahhs and wows.

If you see a girl riding around Boise screaming "I love my bike!!", it is probably me.

I stopped by Boise Bicycle Project today. It was my first experience there.

I walked in expecting to run into my dream bike and walk out.

Unfortunately, there was only four bikes there and they were by far not even close to what I pictured in my mind before I left my house.

I was disapointed. I did a test ride with one of the options and it was a smooth ride, but still not "The one".

As I was about to lose all hope, the manager told me that I can take a look at some bikes that are about go on sale.

It was then and there, I met "The One". It was a Nishiki bike.

It had a slim body with beautiful tires. And the handle bars was just a give away.

It had a slick black color to it and it the handle bars had grip tape on it that looked like fruit roll ups.

I can't wait to go pick it up!

Three more days in Tokyo/Japan.

It has been five weeks since I haven't been home.

I am looking forward to eating some greasy pizza and burgers. Food is great here, but I could use some cheese.

See you in the States!

I made a trip to Kyoto yesterday.

We went to Ginkakuji and Kiyomizudera.

My two favorite temples in Kyoto.

I know I should have visited a temple I had never been to, but I really wanted to visit my two favorite temples when I had a chance.

We first went to Ginkakuji. Ginkakuji means "The silver temple" but it isn't made out of Silver.

There is a temple called Kinkakuji which is made out of gold and I heard it is a very beautiful temple but I was always more attracted to Ginkakuji.

I can't tell you why, but I always felt a connection with this temple.

I think there is a similarity to that feeling when you are dating.

Sometimes you are attracted to people that are not physically beautiful and you love someone because they connect with you.

(Don't get me wrong, Ginkakuji is really beautiful)

We walked through the tasteful landscape and enjoyed the luscious trees and moss that surrounded the temple.

I can confidently say that there was only 5% Japanese tourists in the area.

The rest were all foreigners.

Chinese, Korean, British and American were the majority.

My friend I was with said she had never been there even through she had lived in the area for 6 years.

Japanese people don't seem to appreciate what they have.

They don't realize what beauty they have.

I am Japanese as well, but maybe I wouldn't have realized how beautiful Japan was if I had never moved away.

I thanked the temple and Masayoshi Ashikaga for building such a beautiful temple and shared it with us for centuries.

I left the temple feeling cleansed and hot from the Bonchi madness.

Just got into Osaka.

I think the humidity is about 99% and the temperature is about 95 degrees.

I would hate to live in this everyday, but it feels really good. I missed the humidity.

You know it is humid outside when you can wave your arm and feel the air.


I haven't been here in seven years.

There is noise everywhere.

I didn't hear it when I lived here.

The train running by and people talking.

The electronics, cars and sirens.

The electronic voices talking to you on the street, bathroom, stores and train station.

This wasn't all noise to me when I lived in Tokyo.

I didn't hear it.

People adapt well.

When I first moved to Idaho I had a hard time falling asleep in the quite.

I was scared of the wide spaces.

I felt claustrophobic in the open field with no noise.

Now I feel claustrophobic in small places like I should be.

Two completely different cultures embedded in my mind.

Which am I? After years of contemplation, I still haven't figured it out.

I dream of being in Japan when I am in the States and I dream of being in America when

I am in Japan.

Two weeks till I go to Japan for a month.

I am not ready. I still have so much to do here.

Why am I hesitating? What is stopping me from being excited.

I am glad I made the decision to stay in the States and not go back to Japan.

I often question myself why I decided to stay after all.

Was it because my heart was broken?

Was it because I couldn't find myself there anymore?

I don't know but things happen for a reason and the Universe knows where to put you.

You just have to make sure take the opportunities when they come.

The Universe lays it out for you.

I used to ignore all the signs of success and the stop signs.

Just because they are intangible signs it doesn't mean that you should ignore them.

Some people might call those signs the "gut feeling".

I have a really good gut feeling right now.

It says "go" on it all over the place.

I can't wait to tell you about it.

The me I used to know

I was lying in bed last night listening to my own heart beat through my ear against the pillow.

When I was a little girl, I used to lie in bed wondering how could such thing be possible.

Logically thinking, my heart is down there and my ear is up here.

How can I hear my own heart beat through my ear against the pillow?

Wonders and questions that go through your mind when you are a child are no longer a mystery to you today.

I miss the days that I thought I could fly and I miss all the questions in life that just faded away unsolved.

My Father likes to tell me about the questions I would ask on our way to kindergarden.

"Daddy, how many flowers are there in the world?"

"Daddy, do the trees really sing and dance like that?"

"What happens when you die..."

Why don't I think about the dancing trees and matters in life that I have no answer to?

When did I stop caring. When did I give up. Suddenly, I had so many questions and regrets.

Rest in peace...

I will admit. I have been sad. I have been having sad dreams every night.
I have been thinking about a friend of mine a lot lately. I had been trying to find her on facebook for a while.
The last time I saw her was at her wedding.
She was my first friend that I made in America. We bonded instantly.
Her boyfriend was a quarter Japanese and I am half Japanese, so we found a tiny connection that brought us together.
I had just moved to McCall from Tokyo at the time and I was homesick and I felt like I had no friends.
She was kind to me. Since she just moved there too, she didn't have a lot of friends either.
We spent a lot of time together.
Her and her boyfriend broke up a few times while her and I were living in McCall.
He made me mad. I hated him. He made her cry.
I hated him because she loved him so dearly, but he would just do whatever he wanted to do.
But bottom story he loved her too.
When everything worked out great and happy I was really happy for them. I was really happy when I heard they got engaged.
She was LDS and he was not but, their love finally connected the two and they were ready to be together for the rest of their lives.
They had the love that I wanted. Strong and powerful. I had been there for their ups and downs, but their bond was stronger than anything I have ever witnessed.
I went to their wedding in Payette and it was the strangest wedding I had ever been to because half of it was a bunch of redneck Japanese descendants and half of it was from the LDS church. The two different cultures mingled and created a harmony.
My dearest friend Kinsee looked beautiful and my friend and beloved husband of Kinsee, Joel, also looked greater than ever.
They finally figured out where they wanted to be and everything fitted into place.
I hadn't heard from Kinsee in a long time, I was searching for her for a while until I realised that I had been spelling her last name wrong when she friend requested me on facebook. I was excited to hear from her again.

She sent me a message about Joel getting killed in an avalanche this past winter.
My heart has been broken since...
I am sad that a friend has passed away, but I am sad that my dearest friend Kindsee is devastated.
I was there for the whole relationship's up and down and I was a witness of a great love growing.
I got to witness a quality of love getting cultivated. I can't stand to think how she might be feeling right now.
The man made her cry all the time, I saw nothing but struggles the whole time they were together.

As soon as they were happy together I stopped hearing from them. No news is good news afterall.

I am sad. I am devastated. I wish I could see Joel and I am sad to even try to imagine what Kinsee is going through right now.
They were high school sweethearts. They have been together for eight years. He was only 24 when he passed away.
I am headed to Payette next weekend to go see her and him in his spirit. I still can't believe that happened already.

God bless them I am hope the best for my truly an dearest friend Kinsee Barrie.

Things that make me happy

When the wind blows in your face and it is warmer than yesterday.

When I see the ocean and I feel nostalgic.

When I see the moon and I am next to a good friend.

When I notice that I have been humming and singing.

When you hold my hand.

When you touch me and make my heart feel ticklish.

When I am on my long board in a skirt.

When I am sitting on the grass and I hear laughter in distance.

When I am drinking coffee and it is raining outside.

When I am flying in my dream.

When my phone buzzes and you had texted me.

When I see new things.

When I curl up in a ball like a little girl.

When you touch my hair.

Little things in life that make me happy.

Just a thought

There is a Socrates quote I have been thinking about lately.

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

I remember hearing this quote in my philosophy class back in the day thinking that this quote didn't make much sense.

It makes sense now. I know nothing. I know nothing about life, The more I grow the more I don't know.

I am terrified. I thought I was going to be wiser. I can't even act like I know anything. I know nothing.

My vision keeps getting wider and I can't see the end of the tunnel.

I want to see the future. I want to know who am going to be.

I want to live 10 lives and do things that I wouldn't do in others.

I am changing my facebook status

I have been dealing with my current/past relationship for the past few months. My so-called boyfriend that lives 6000 miles away decided to fall off of the face of the earth. Or maybe just from in front of me.
How do you deal with that. I really didn't know what to do, so I just ignored it.
Time passed and feelings went away. I am a believer in love, but at the same time I am really realistic when it comes to break ups. Without physicaly seeing eachother and no verbal communication, it is impossible to try and keep feelings residing for someone. Words are more powerful than you think they are.
That is why we avoid, and walk away from communicating when you are scared.
That is why we are scared to tell someone that you love them, or don't love them.
When your boyfriend/girlfriend lives half away around the world and isn't talking to you what would you do?
I decided to change my facebook status from "♥ in a relationship with__________" to "♥ single".
I have been wanting to do this for two months now and I tried my best not to be the rude person breaking up with someone over facebook, but it is time to do it.
I can no longer live a life like this with a big relationship status hanging over my head. A little exaturating but...
It is funny to see how we started to shape our relationships through social media.
I just overheard a conversation the other day: "He is such a jerk, he doesn't even show on his facebook status that he is in a relationship so he can still get girls!!!" Wow, what a statement. Again, I am sitting here blogging about how I don't want to do this and make it public.


I am going to be a public facebook pickel eating jerk.

Okay, maybe I wait one more day...


P.S. I really don't care to let all my facebook friends know about my relationship status anymore in the future.

Sleepless in Boise

I am a night owl.
I sleep a lot.
I stay up way late and I wake up way late.
I love to sleep but I hate to fall asleep.
I love the sun but I rather see it come up before I go to bed than seeing it come up when I wake up. I feel like my day starts when the sun goes down.
The accomplishment of staying up to see the sun come up is something that I like.
You can't stare at the sun but you can stare at the moon.

I dream so vividly.
I go on adventures every night.
I wish I was dreaming all the time.

I don't like the day time.
I rather be asleep counting sheep.

Blogging Again

I have blogs everywhere.
Most of them are half done. Just a few stories and no updates.
I think I am going to try and keep this one.
I have been writing a diary since I was 9 years old.
It must have been something I have picked up after my Father.
I haven't been able to find my old diaries in a long time.
It is as if my old memories and feelings have gotten left behind and tucked away.
I should remember how I felt, but without the words I used when I wrote my feelings down, I can't remember.
You can't feel the pain if it is healed already.
I can't remember anything.

Time has passed by before my eyes and I have just been enjoying the ride.
I feel like my body is getting older and my mind hasn't changed at all.
I used to think that I was mature, now I feel like I am immature.
They say in the Japanese culture that the soul you have when you are three will not change at the age of one-hundred.
I would like to believe that we have room to change, but we have no choice but to live with the same soul.

I am a lover and I believe in love truly.
I am not scared to get hurt for the sake of love.
The potential pain that I might encounter is not a good enough reason to avoid it.
I always have time to nourish the love for you.
I have time for school and work.
I will squeeze in my love for you between my schedule.
I will even place school and work in between the love I have for you.
Busy is not an excuse for you to not love.
It is an excuse you have when you don't love.
I will always be true to you, so please be true to me.

Christmas and Airplane Hell 2008

I was going home for Christmas for the first time since I moved to the States from Japan. It had been 5 years since I had been back for Christmas. Since I didn’t have any plans going home for a while, I decided that I would go home for about three weeks and just hang out. My plan was to eat myself silly and come back fat and happy. Some of you might think that is such a waste after 16 hours of flight time. However, it is no different than going back to Idaho Falls to be a couch potato, Japan is just a little farther away. My Father and I have a trade that we buy each other a lot of food from wherever we are coming from. On his annual visit to the States, he brings me a lot of Japanese snacks that I love. Which is consisted of seaweed, sour pickle plums and dried squid. In return, I get him peanut butter cups, starbursts and beef jerky. I thought it would be a great idea to buy a shopping cart full of American snacks and bring it over to Japan as a Christmas present. I was wrapping them up six hours before I was supposed to be at Boise Airport trying to get ready to leave the country. Yes, that is right. I didn’t start packing to go to Japan till midnight and I was supposed to be at the airport at 6:15 am.


At 3:00 am my boyfriend at the time called me up and notified me that my airplane to Portland had been canceled due to snow. In fact there had been no airplanes going to PDX or SEA in four days. I was panicing. I was on hold for about an hour and a half with my airline when I realized there was one airline that was flying out of Boise to Portland. I bought my airplane ticket two hours before the departure. To my big relief, not to miss Christmas in Japan, I left to the airport. After a 12 hour flight next to an obnoxious ice cream eating redneck, that was on his way to meet his Thai wife for the first time, I arrived to Tokyo.

The delay in PDX pushed my arrival to Tokyo and I only had 3 hours to connect to the next flight. When I say I had only 3 hours to connect, I am talking about two different airports located across Tokyo. I ran through the airport with my big pink suitcase half drunk from the airplane and I jumped on the bus hoping that I didn't have to spend a few days in Tokyo by myself. I barely made it to the other airport to find out that my airplane had been delayed due to snow. I finally made it to Sapporo after one canceled airplane and two delayed airplanes due to snow.

Feeling like I was under a lot of stress for the last 30 hours and no sleep I got rudely woken up by my 5 year old brother pouncing on me telling that Santa came at 6:00am. Confused where I was and wondering who Santa was I got out of bed with Godzilla dolls and Mothla lined up in a circle. Joe, my brother, told me that they were having a Christmas party. I came to a realization that this was our first Christmas together and figured I will play along. We opened some presents and candy and talked about Santa. He was looking for the chimney Santa crawled through in our urban apartment. I told him that the technology in Japan allows him to go through walls. This was kind of reminding me how I couldn’t figure out how Santa found me after we moved to Japan when I was a little girl. Not to mention that Japanese people really don’t carry the tradition. Santa was only coming to my house in my neighborhood. When I was a girl, I had to find out about Santa, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny in one sitting. It is hard to foul a kid when you are trying to carry an American tradition in a Japanese household. But believe me, I think I am still in shock from the sea of truth and secrets that were reveled from that transaction.